Category Archives: TSLA

Tesla is making chicken shit into chicken salad

India, home to the worst power outages in history, and home to millions of extremely poor people: Tesla somehow aims to debut this summer. United Arab Emirates*, where petroleum cars tend to sell, um, fairly well: Tesla somehow is about to open shop there too. United States of America, where the president thinks being green means rubbing dollars on your skin: Tesla somehow has a key to the White House.

Another day, another surprising boost to sentiment. If this continues, TSLA will be trading north of $500 by year’s end.

*Here’s a must-read account of Tesla demand in the UAE. And if you think gas is super-cheap there, or represents a teensy sliver of household income, both are incorrect.


This represents the TeslaMondo portfolio for now, in proper proportion. Both companies own tollbooths to the future, but Nvidia has more lanes, so TeslaMondo allocates investment dollars accordingly.

There’s blood in the water. Short blood.

model-3-shark-nose-teslamondoWith TSLA short interest at an all-time high, Tesla confirmed today that it’s about to start pilot production of Model III — the very creature that shorts think will never materialize.

Time to bring in Matt Hooper from the oceanographic institute, to talk some sense into them: “I’m familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you in the ass.”


But wait — there may be hope for shorts yet. A lone Tesla worker is trying to agitate for a union, just as headlines start to mention Model III. Quite a coincidence. And quite absurd, since Tesla’s job fairs tend to cause stampedes. Conditions can’t be all that bad, now can they?

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Musk should flee Trump before this worsens

Musk should quit Trump’s business roundtables ASAP, while the fallout would still be relatively minor. Sure, Tesla stock may take a hit, but it’s better than the long term implications of rubbing shoulders with a reckless buffoon, a man who apparently never made the childhood mistake of swatting a hornets’ nest. The hornets don’t go away, and your back yard does not become safer. Instead, the episode ends badly for the idiot holding the stick and anyone in the immediate vicinity.  

Musk’s life was already in danger for rattling large, sophisticated institutions. Now he’s flirting with a wholly different kind of danger. Radicals, newly stimulated by Trump’s childish attempt at corralling Muslims, will see Trump’s business roundtable as unprotected Trump cohorts, low-hanging fruit.

Yes, we know that Musk is trying to speak out, trying to add a voice of reason. That provides zero distinction for armed nitwits with insect minds and insect vision. You’re nearby? You’re getting stung. Musk is probably starting to notice that reasoning with Trump is impossible. Reasoning with hornets is beyond impossible. TeslaMondo thinks Elon should turn and sprint.


Such Bold and Beautiful moments

  • A German environmental official drives a Tesla Model S. Meanwhile, Musk owns, or recently owned, an Audi Q7. Breaking rank? How bold and beautiful.
  • Tesla’s new Autopilot chief says he thinks of cars as appliances, and thus wants them to simply function flawlessly and faithfully. A declaration of disinterest in cars, even though he reports to a CEO bent on warping the human brain with g-force? This ranks as a bold and beautiful moment. TeslaMondo has long pointed out the confusing duality of Tesla. It wants to thrill the driver AND remove the driver.
  • TSLA has zipped past $250/share just one day after The Street said, “It could be a bumpy road to get the shares over $250.” Derrrr . . .  A bold and beautiful moment of knuckle-dragging stupidity from the financial press. Who pays these stinky primates, and why?
  • TSLA shorts are probably starting to lose both sleep and money because of this bold and beautiful upward slope in TSLA’s recent chart. Recent longs, on the other hand, bought a stairway to heaven. It’s becoming clearer by the day that President Heat Miser and Trump advisor Peter Thiel, a longtime Musk chum, are nothing short of omnipotent Tesla allies. We could be looking at the opening days of a long, agonizing short squeeze. Whether quick and brutal or slow and tortuous, short squeezes are bold and beautiful.


In the summer of 2015, the Bold and the Beautiful made profuse use of a Model S to punctuate the return of the Ridge Forrester character. Well, just yesterday the same soap slathered a Model X all over the screen. Ridge’s daughter owns one.


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TeslaMondo tiptoes back to TSLA, MBLY

A couple days ago, TeslaMondo sold some NVDA shares and bought 1,193 shares of MBLY and 186 shares of TSLA. Why?

MBLY: Mobileye’s name now rubs shoulders with BMW, Here and Intel in tech headlines. Last year’s breakup with Tesla has moved quickly down the mental conveyor belt as new Mobileye partnerships lend new validation. At some point this year, Mobileye’s many conquests over the past few years, and these latest ones, should finally start to bear fruit.

TSLA: Tesla will reveal the rest of Model III. Even if it doesn’t reach production in 2017, the Big Reveal will reignite the ol’ Tesla shock and awe, fit to burn for the rest of the calendar year.

Both stocks have room to climb before they push against all-time highs and cause stock analysts to spontaneously pee their pants.


FF survives 2016 with Velcro and tape

Construction contractors are balking. Landlords are squawking. Bigwigs are leaving. The seat supplier is fleeing. The vending machine contractor refuses to re-stock the machines, forcing employees to ration the few remaining bags of Cheetos. Someone stole the knobs from the toaster oven in the break room, forcing the staff to guess the temperature settings and putting them at risk of overheating their leftovers.

Such is the state of Faraday Future as CES 2017 approaches. TeslaMondo would like to see someone jump the rope at the FF display and tug on the body panels a little, just to see what happens.

TeslaMondo predicted FF would throw in the towel and ditch its US plans by year’s end, but nope. There are no towels to throw. The towel supplier skipped town and slipped an overdue bill under the back door.

So TeslaMondo was wrong.

But Andrew Left, a.k.a. Citron Research, didn’t fare any better with his boldest prediction for 2016. He called Mobileye the short of the year. Well, let’s see. The stock opened the year at 42.28 and ended the year at 38.12. Granted, it dipped to 24.54 early in the year — but the entire market dipped in unison, so that doesn’t count. Looking back a little further, Left misjudged Tesla’s “real competition” too. His chosen example, the BMW i3, proved a particularly bad choice, as the entire BMW i-team jumped ship.

Just remember, Left isn’t always right.



TSLA vs NVDA — which one for 2017?

You may recall TeslaMondo divested its Tesla shares and replaced them with Nvidia shares, with the intent of returning to TSLA upon Part II of the Model III unveiling. Well, Part II turned out to be a general announcement about autonomous hardware. Nice, but not the Part II everyone was expecting. So when will the REAL reveal happen? Let’s assume in the spring.

This poses a dilemma. Should TeslaMondo return to TSLA or stick with NVDA even through the Model III unveil? Which stock has the strongest legs for 2017?

TSLA: It has staged a convincing comeback from the sub-200 catacombs, and looks to be building momentum going into the anticipated Year of Grand Fruition, when the great Master Plan Part I culminates in the Earth-altering Model III and the assimilation of solar products to silence the dirty EV argument. The start of 2017 seems like a good entry point as these new climactic chapters begin.

NVDA: It’s an octopus that has every one of its tentacles wrapped around something juicy: gaming, autonomous driving, machine learning, big data processing, crabs, polychaete worms, clams and whelks. The stock is going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs as lay investors by the thousands start to understand Nvidia’s uniquely nuclear position in so many important branches of emerging tech, especially this new “deep learning” thing. This company is welded firmly in the right intersection at the right time, and so is TeslaMondo:


Why leave a place where you can lounge around while girls fan you with palm leaves and feed you grapes? It sure beats riding shotgun with sweaty ol’ Don Quixote Musk. But maybe this decadence will wear thin after a while. After all, what fun is notching multi-thousand-dollar gains every day? What fun is pondering this Lotus Elise as a replacement for the Toyota Mr2 Spyder in the driveway, despite your wife, children and all rational thought?


Heat Miser owns a Tesla Roadster?

Dubious source. And another dubious source.

If it’s true, this might bode well for the imminent meeting between Musk and Trump. Wait — this just in. It might not happen.

Tesla dodged Daimler’s lasso in 2014

Darth Dieter TeslaMondoIn March 2014, Darth Dieter Zetsche and some others tisk-tisked Tesla for building a proprietary charging network in Europe instead of collaborating with other automakers. Tesla’s response: “Tesla needed to solve the problem of long-distance travel, and we can’t wait for others to agree with our strategy.”

It’s now almost 2017, and guess what? After taking a beating from shareholders, Darth Dieter and some other auto CEOs have finally sat down and agreed on a charging strategy for Europe. If all goes well, the network will begin next year and reach some semblance of completion in 2020.

So, let’s see here. If Tesla had agreed to wait around for Big Auto to get its fat ass off the couch, Tesla’s European operation would have essentially ceased and desisted for all these crucial years, during which Tesla has kicked copious German arsch.

So in hindsight, the tisk-tisking in 2014 really amounted to a this: “Are you sure you want to expand your business while we’re surgically attached to our couches? Can’t you kinda hold off? We’re old and stuff.”

Darth Dieter also shook his head at the Gigafactory. Even turned down a chance to invest in it when he was a Tesla shareholder. No wonder Sith Lords tend to lose their battle stations. Must be oxygen deprivation due to a crucial design flaw in them there helmets.

For new readers, here’s why TeslaMondo refers to Dr. Z as Darth Dieter.