Category Archives: Marketing

Such Bold and Beautiful moments

  • A German environmental official drives a Tesla Model S. Meanwhile, Musk owns, or recently owned, an Audi Q7. Breaking rank? How bold and beautiful.
  • Tesla’s new Autopilot chief says he thinks of cars as appliances, and thus wants them to simply function flawlessly and faithfully. A declaration of disinterest in cars, even though he reports to a CEO bent on warping the human brain with g-force? This ranks as a bold and beautiful moment. TeslaMondo has long pointed out the confusing duality of Tesla. It wants to thrill the driver AND remove the driver.
  • TSLA has zipped past $250/share just one day after The Street said, “It could be a bumpy road to get the shares over $250.” Derrrr . . .  A bold and beautiful moment of knuckle-dragging stupidity from the financial press. Who pays these stinky primates, and why?
  • TSLA shorts are probably starting to lose both sleep and money because of this bold and beautiful upward slope in TSLA’s recent chart. Recent longs, on the other hand, bought a stairway to heaven. It’s becoming clearer by the day that President Heat Miser and Trump advisor Peter Thiel, a longtime Musk chum, are nothing short of omnipotent Tesla allies. We could be looking at the opening days of a long, agonizing short squeeze. Whether quick and brutal or slow and tortuous, short squeezes are bold and beautiful.

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In the summer of 2015, the Bold and the Beautiful made profuse use of a Model S to punctuate the return of the Ridge Forrester character. Well, just yesterday the same soap slathered a Model X all over the screen. Ridge’s daughter owns one.

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Woefully weak ways of wooing women

Just finished eating a Luna nutrition bar. Man, they’re delicious, eh? But they have a strange effect on TeslaMondo staff. They cause painful tingling in the private regions of men. Maybe even a shriveling effect. Yes, Luna bars may taste great, but there’s something scary going on here.

Oh, no! Shoulda read the label first!

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Even without reading the label, the product itself screams “woman.” Look at this femme visage!

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Not obvious enough? What about the inspirational quote on every bar? A dead giveaway that it’s all about the gals:

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And if THAT isn’t obvious enough, just read the ingredients. What are little girls made of? This stuff:

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In short, there’s nothing even vaguely womanly about Luna bars. If we accept that gender is keenly chemical/hormonal, then you’d think food would be an easy product to steer toward genuine feminine gain. But nope.

Now, on to cars. Wait — cars for women? Oh heck yes. The Seat Mii is officially blessed and marketed by Cosmopolitan magazine, the publication that claims to REALLY know women.

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Some women cringe at this whole idea. So does TeslaMondo. How is the Seat Mii more gal-friendly than, say, a Golf? Or a Fit? Or a Fiat? Well, go ahead and scan the car’s website. Maybe you’ll find something to hang your hat on. TeslaMondo came up empty. Same goes for this Aston Martin DB11, supposedly designed for millennial women:

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Huh? Yes, chicks aspire to own potent GT coupes popularized by James Bond. But if they’re not quite rich enough, they default to flaccid five-door hatches like the Seat Mii instead of, you know, cheaper coupes.

On to Tesla. The Model S is allegedly guy-centric and the Model X gal-centric. Really? How? “Women tend to tote around children and like to sit high,” everyone says. Well, those apply to men too. The crossover craze isn’t confined to half the population. To boot, the very first Model X owners were men. They took delivery onstage, remember? The sole female recipient was just a stand-in for Sergey Brin. Did those founding fathers buy them just for their wives to drive around? Tesla VC Steve Jurvetson didn’t. He regularly posts pictures of himself and his Model X. Yet he’s an anatomically intact male (we assume).

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If the ovoid shape of the Model X screams “woman at the wheel,” then Porsche guys must be missing a few hormones. Poor things. And what of the latest Lexus lineup, with its forced creases and folds — angularity for angularity’s sake? It totally snubs the gals, right? You don’t see women in the latest Lexuses, do you? Nah.

The underlying problem here is that gender-centric marketing of a gender-neutral product is absurd, period. You know what else is absurd? Gender itself. It’s a damnable ruse.

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A man.

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A woman.

It’s understandable why automakers would try to woo women. Even though men make more visits to showrooms, the “boss” often calls the shots from a remote location. “Gotta go home and check with the boss,” men will say as they leave the showroom without signing anything. Ever hear a woman refer to her husband as the boss? Maybe if she’s over 80 years old. Things were different a while back.

So, most of the time, women wear the pants, like Hillary. Automakers ignore them at their peril. But overtly marketing cars to women, as we’ve seen, is absurd. It also risks a serious backlash, as we’ve also seen. Women don’t like to be marketed-to based on broad assumptions. Does anyone?

Hypocrisy alert: Here are five broad assumptions about women. Yes, TeslaMondo has the gall to use the words “broad” and “women” with only two words separating them. Thin ice, friends. Thin ice.

  1. They like virgins.
  2. They despise car-sales subterfuge.
  3. They’re green.
  4. They favor underdogs.
  5. They’re mechanically disinclined.

Tesla is well-positioned to win on all five fronts with NO MARKETING EFFORT. Or if there is any, it’s discreet. That’s the crux of this post. Discretion > aggression.

  1. As a new brand, Tesla is starting with a fresh, clean slate. By contrast, Big Auto looks like a posse of scumbags lately due to myriad scandals. Tesla has no such baggage. It’s a virgin.
  2. With a mall-based retail presence that favors discovery over selling, women can waltz right in as if they own the place, instead of sending in their bomb-sniffing husbands first.
  3. Tesla is Mr. Right, period.
  4. It’s locked in constant struggle. Witness the legal beefs about factory-direct selling. And witness the daily headlines about Big Auto antagonists coming to slaughter poor Tesla any minute now. Tesla is the underdog.
  5. No mechanical inclination? No problem. Teslas don’t have much mechanical action going on anyway. And no more looking askance at dirty car mechanics.

Yes, TeslaMondo thinks women and Tesla are going to get along swimmingly. And here’s a bonus for women Tesla drivers: Some asshole in a BMW is staring at you at a traffic light? He’s gone in 2.7 seconds if you’re wearing flats, or 2.5 if you’re wearing heels.

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Tesla, the silent brand

Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau. Michelob Light for the winner. If you’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer: Miller beer. When you say Bud, you’ve said a lot of things nobody else can say. When you say Bud, you’ve said it all. Go for the gusto: Schlitz. I’ve got Pabst Blue Ribbon on my mind.

TeslaMondo has retained all of these 1970s beer slogans despite a total lack of interest in alcoholic beverages. We’re talking about bona fide brain implantations here. And one quick scan of the kitchen will stir up plenty more, accurate or not:

Bounty — The quicker picker-upper.
Elmer’s Glue — Nothing in particular, but Krazy Glue is that stuff that glued that construction worker’s hat to a steel girder or something. Or was that Gorilla Glue?
Wheat Thins — Sandy Duncan.
Rice Krispies — Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Raisin Bran — Two scoops of raisins.
Cheerios — You get a pow-pow-powerful good good feeling from Cheer-Cheer-Cheerios.
Peanut butter — If you believe in peanut butter, clap your hands to Peter Pan. Wait — peanut butter has non-believers?
Poland Spring — What it means to be from Maine. What does it mean, anyway?

You know, maybe it’s time to take a shower and wash all of this away. Start clean. But the bathroom is another minefield of pop-up ads. You’re not fully clean unless you’re Zestfully clean. Coast deodorant soap is the eye-opener.

And when it’s time to shampoo, there’s a brand that makes your scalp tingle more than the other brands. Denorex! Yes, that’s it. Okay now it’s time to shave. Is Gillette Foamy thick and rich enough to hold back a roller coaster? No. Somehow that means it’s the best for hair removal. And regarding the razor blades, if you have a Norelco system, there’s no need to worry about cutting yourself. No more “Gotcha!”

Time to brush your hair. A little dab will do ya. Dab of what? Can’t remember. Is that a flake of dandruff? Should have used Head & Shoulders, dammit. And breakfast cereal was the wrong idea this morning. Coulda, or shoulda, had a V8! Head slap!

Time to drive to work. Oh boy. Every car has a commercial built into it.

There’s a Ford Focus. Have you driven a Ford lately?
Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet.
Dodge trucks are Ram tough.
Yeah, but Silverados are like a rock, and the announcer’s voice is a little deeper. Maybe it’s more manly to have a Silverado.
A Toyota. You asked for it. You got it. Oh what a feeling. Yeah, but the new Dodge Omni does it all. Then again, nobody demands more from a Datsun than Datsun.

Wait a minute. There are no more Omnis or Datsuns around. Doesn’t matter. What a feeling indeed. We’re poisoned for life by exposure to marketing toxin. Thank you, Tesla, for not contributing. You are not only exhaust-free but also jingle-free and slogan-free.

Time to shut down the computer and move on with the day. Intel Inside, eh? Four ascending notes come to mind. Better check email before shutting down. You’ve Got Mail. Doesn’t matter whether it’s AOL or not. You’ve Got Mail just the same. O the madness . . .

Tesla “advertises” to Hong Kong

Screen Shot 2016-01-28 at 9.14.48 AM.pngThis video ain’t on TV, at least not around here, so it leaves intact Tesla’s rep as non-traditional marketer. However, it is indeed an advertisement, and since it emanated from Tesla, TeslaMondo proposes that it be considered a Tesla advertisement (gasp) targeted at Hong Kong, where the Model S was the best-selling sedan in 2015 according to local press.

So what do we see? Tesla’s clean design esthetic, for one thing. The ad has a lot of negative space, as does Tesla’s breezy website. It favors a few simple gestures and asks you to read almost nothing. We see the Model S and a cameo appearance by the Roadster.

What do we hear? Testimonials using customer voice-overs, all in English. It seems the same ad could employ other languages interchangeably with only minor edits, since very few mouths are seen moving anyway. We hear about Tesla’s speed, safety, emissions heroics etc.

What’s missing? Model X, understandably. Tesla is looking for sales, not orders. Also missing is a harsh depiction of smog. We hear a reference to it, coupled with fairly innocuous imagery of a city haloed by what looks like a semi-happy cloud.

Makes sense. Can’t show a family coughing blood into their masks and falling down, holding their throats — though TeslaMondo would do exactly that. And those people would then carjack a Model S, wherein they would remove their masks and admire the modern/lux appointments while giving the finger to other people desperately clawing at the windows. The final shot would show the Model S heading to the mountains while the Hong Kong skyline wilts and collapses in the background.

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Why Tesla needs no ads

DreamWorks Animation CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg says his Model S saved his life. Tonight he is thanking Elon Musk.

A few days ago, a California family narrowly escaped death when a large bioweapon, specifically a tree, attacked the family’s Model S during a landslide. Remember that roof-strength testing machine that failed to break the car? Now we have a real-world scenario to remember too.

And Stephen Colbert’s six-minute soliloquy about his Tesla has proven to be, um, . . .  well, a six-minute soliloquy about his Tesla, that’s what. Or maybe it was an aside, not a soliloquy. Apologies to English lit professors who might be reading.

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“Tesla” and “ad” should remain oxymoronic

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Tesla’s lack of traditional advertising is its best advertisement. But amateurs create Tesla ads anyway. The motive is right-on, and the results could pass for pro product. Some obviously required a lot of time and energy, and money. Have they boosted sales? Who knows. Maybe they have. But TeslaMondo believes that Tesla’s maverick image requires something really radical. And unfortunately, the most radical of all ad campaigns is . . . no ads at all.

Attempt Number One
Attempt Number Two
Attempt Number Three
Attempt Number Four
Attempt Number Five
Attempt Number Six
Attempt Number Seven
Attempt Number Eight
Attempt Number Nine
Attempt Number Ten
Attempt Number Eleven

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Amateur Tesla ads only dilute the brand

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“Gallons of Light” promo. A bit sappy, yes?

Tesla’s lack of traditional advertising is the best advertisement of all. But amateurs try to create Tesla ads anyway. TeslaMondo’s opinion is that even the best of the bunch look like medicore mainstream car ads — nothing befitting a maverick car company. Cute kids, mountain roads and sunsets are good enough if you’re peddling Nissan Leafs, but we’re talking Tesla here. This company needs something radical. And unfortunately, the most radical of all ad campaigns is . . . no campaign at all.

Attempt Number One
Attempt Number Two
Attempt Number Three
Attempt Number Four
Attempt Number Five
Attempt Number Six
Attempt Number Seven
Attempt Number Eight
Attempt Number Nine (Roadster)
Individual Store Attempt

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