Maybe the nose-picking children of Wall Street and the simpleton press corps consider last night’s Model Y debut underwhelming. Who can blame them? The lighting was bad. The interminable Tesla history lesson was bad. The slapdash treatment given the headlining act was bad. Nothing went viral, even if it went viral.
But TeslaMondo doubts Big Auto executives feel underwhelmed this morning. The Model Y is a sober crossover that Tesla will likely be able to build soon, and in large quantities, given the vast Model 3 DNA. It’s exactly what Tesla needed — and exactly what Ye Olde Auto Industry feared.
Model X is a sexier crossover. It had a sexier debut. But it also proved nearly impossible to build reliably, and it continues to drag on Tesla’s overall reliability ratings. Who needs a repeat of that? Better underwhelm the toddlers on Wall Street but deliver mass quantities without drama.
Crossovers needn’t be all that sexy anyway. They are sucking in millions of people who go unseen in marketing materials because they’re old, or fat, or partially disabled, or saddled with difficult baggage including live offspring. There’s nothing sexy about any of that. Ease of ingress/egress doesn’t win drag races, but it wins customers.
What is sexy about crossovers? Well, they allow more sexual positions, so there’s something. But for many people, crossovers facilitate adventure. Who cares if they’re real adventures or fantasy adventures? There’s no trunk to smother our active, roving lifestyles. We can pretend we’re crashing through a river in the forest, or taking pictures of a bear, or cresting a mountaintop just in time to catch a sunset. All impossible with a dastardly trunk.
All this might give you the impression TeslaMondo finds crossovers confusing. After all, this article claims that crossovers are unsexy and sexy too. The entire world is confused about crossovers, so TeslaMondo naturally makes no sense. Even the seating is confusing. Nobody expected the Model Y to have a third row of seats at all, and they’re purely optional — yet everyone is whining that they’re too small. Whining about a bonus third row that you don’t have to buy? Welcome to crossoverhood.