Pardon that brief intermission

The last post, a rhapsody about Tesla cranking out the $35k car, turned out to be premature. The company wasn’t financially ready for that car yet. More than a year later, the “affordable Tesla” is finally edging toward the on-deck circle.

Stuck with a post about an imminent car that wasn’t imminent, TeslaMondo had two choices:

  1. Modify or delete the post to reflect reality, and then continue writing more articles as if no misstep had happened. That would have been the easy route. Too easy.
  2. Freeze the site and wait for reality to catch up to the post. Only an utter shmegegge would entertain that option. Perfect!

So TeslaMondo has been quietly observing the game from the bleachers this whole time, watching as Tesla’s dirty opponents, their bookies, their beholden cheering squads and a posse of crooked referees try to disallow a Team Tesla victory in Model 3 and profitability. The default metaphor is “moving the goalposts,” but that doesn’t capture the desperation of these nincompoops. They’ve installed a row of exact-change-only tollbooths at the goal line. And they’ve covered the end zone with a tarp that makes it look like more gridiron to conquer. So a Tesla touchdown, like, totally can’t happen.

  • Model 3 backlog is swelling? Tesla has no supply.
  • The backlog is shrinking? Tesla has no demand.
  • Production hits 2,500k/week? A fluke.
  • Production hits 4k/week? Another fluke.
  • Tesla becomes profitable in 2018? Another fluke.
  • And if this stuff isn’t a fluke? Then the company is doomed.
  • Tesla is stealing customers from the Germans? Only until the Germans catch up.
  • The Germans aren’t catching up? The Japanese are.
  • The Japanese aren’t? The Americans are.
  • The Americans aren’t? The Chinese are.
  • The Chinese aren’t? The FBI is.

And so Tesla will never get a cheer even in victory, and even on home turf. The crowd is stacked. This is why Musk can employ dirty tactics, such as jolting the stock market to rattle short sellers, without looking like a bully. This isn’t a mere game. It’s a dirty theater of war with no rules of engagement, and everyone knows it.


Let’s check in on TeslaMondo’s cast of characters. It’s been a while.

Darth Dieter TeslaMondo

Darth Dieter is stepping down as Daimler CEO next spring. He’s open to another duet with Tesla, like the plug-in Smart and Benz cars of yesteryear. But at this point, what could Tesla possibly gain from collaborating with anyone?

Marchionne Godfather TeslaMondo

Sergio Marchionne, CEO of Fiat Chrysler Automobiles, died this summer. While other Big Auto CEOs tried to belittle Tesla, Sergio gave credit to Elon Musk. He also begged everyone not to buy his compliance car, the electric Fiat 500. So he was honest, at least.

count-carlos-teslamondo

A couple years ago, Nissan chief Count Carlos surveyed the walls of his castle and laughed at the notion of a raid. “I know the media love to say we have a new superman coming here, and it’s going to make all of you look like dinosaurs,” Ghosn said. “But, frankly, the likelihood that this is going to happen in our industry, in my opinion, is very limited.” Musk would be the first to agree. Yet it’s happening.

Diesel Weasel TeslaMondo

Germany’s diesel weasel scandal culminated with Audi’s CEO going to jail. But nobody knows or cares. This is the car business. A rap sheet comes with the territory.

max-headroom-bob-lutz

The climax of his multi-year Tesla Sux media tour came late September, when he said Tesla was headed for the graveyard. A month later, Tesla’s Q3 results proved it’s hardly moribund, while reinforcing the suspicion that Lutz and his old-school mindset are exactly that.

 

Faraday Future breaking ground

Speaking of moribund, here’s Faraday Future digging its own grave along with Nevada Gov. Brian Sandoval, who somehow missed the ground with his shovel. He also missed the abundant clues that this company consisted of boring people who could never break into a padlocked industry like autos. It’s now common knowledge that a successful auto startup in the 21st century must be led by an insomniac, manic-depressive, verbally abusive, sociopathic, megalomaniacal, narcissistic, schizophrenic, substance-abusing, autistic savant who whips up brilliant products in between bouts of head-butting a wall and kicking a cat.

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12 thoughts on “Pardon that brief intermission

  1. BEP says:

    exhales loudly

    Like

  2. Welcome Back! You were missed.

    Like

  3. Pete says:

    Good to have you back!

    Like

  4. will says:

    Oh man – we MISSED you and your phenomenal sense of “Reality-Humor”!!

    Like

  5. Jaba says:

    good shit, good shit, really good. Nailed it. Nailed it hard with a screw type of nail that won’t come out in a century due to rust. You Go Hard Dude, Go HARD!
    respect

    Like

  6. Thought you’d either a) died, b) curled-up in embarrassment at Tesla’s hashing of the M3 ramp.

    Glad you’re back.

    Like

  7. Eric Schnell says:

    I truly thought your website got you in trouble. Good to have you back!

    Like

  8. Brian says:

    RWF-
    You may not post often…but when you do, YOU’RE THE BEST!

    Like

  9. […] news feeds on Feedly, I saw a new piece from Tesla Mondo last week! How thrilled I was. Below is that article, original TeslaMondo graphics and all. — […]

    Like

  10. Dr. Miguelito Loveless says:

    Dude! I thought you were dead. A little note you were okay would have been nice.

    Like

  11. brianxanderson says:

    Yay! Just, yay! Welcome back.

    Like

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