Woefully weak ways of wooing women

Just finished eating a Luna nutrition bar. Man, they’re delicious, eh? But they have a strange effect on TeslaMondo staff. They cause painful tingling in the private regions of men. Maybe even a shriveling effect. Yes, Luna bars may taste great, but there’s something scary going on here.

Oh, no! Shoulda read the label first!

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Even without reading the label, the product itself screams “woman.” Look at this femme visage!

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Not obvious enough? What about the inspirational quote on every bar? A dead giveaway that it’s all about the gals:

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And if THAT isn’t obvious enough, just read the ingredients. What are little girls made of? This stuff:

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In short, there’s nothing even vaguely womanly about Luna bars. If we accept that gender is keenly chemical/hormonal, then you’d think food would be an easy product to steer toward genuine feminine gain. But nope.

Now, on to cars. Wait — cars for women? Oh heck yes. The Seat Mii is officially blessed and marketed by Cosmopolitan magazine, the publication that claims to REALLY know women.

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Some women cringe at this whole idea. So does TeslaMondo. How is the Seat Mii more gal-friendly than, say, a Golf? Or a Fit? Or a Fiat? Well, go ahead and scan the car’s website. Maybe you’ll find something to hang your hat on. TeslaMondo came up empty. Same goes for this Aston Martin DB11, supposedly designed for millennial women:

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Huh? Yes, chicks aspire to own potent GT coupes popularized by James Bond. But if they’re not quite rich enough, they default to flaccid five-door hatches like the Seat Mii instead of, you know, cheaper coupes.

On to Tesla. The Model S is allegedly guy-centric and the Model X gal-centric. Really? How? “Women tend to tote around children and like to sit high,” everyone says. Well, those apply to men too. The crossover craze isn’t confined to half the population. To boot, the very first Model X owners were men. They took delivery onstage, remember? The sole female recipient was just a stand-in for Sergey Brin. Did those founding fathers buy them just for their wives to drive around? Tesla VC Steve Jurvetson didn’t. He regularly posts pictures of himself and his Model X. Yet he’s an anatomically intact male (we assume).

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If the ovoid shape of the Model X screams “woman at the wheel,” then Porsche guys must be missing a few hormones. Poor things. And what of the latest Lexus lineup, with its forced creases and folds — angularity for angularity’s sake? It totally snubs the gals, right? You don’t see women in the latest Lexuses, do you? Nah.

The underlying problem here is that gender-centric marketing of a gender-neutral product is absurd, period. You know what else is absurd? Gender itself. It’s a damnable ruse.

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A man.

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A woman.

It’s understandable why automakers would try to woo women. Even though men make more visits to showrooms, the “boss” often calls the shots from a remote location. “Gotta go home and check with the boss,” men will say as they leave the showroom without signing anything. Ever hear a woman refer to her husband as the boss? Maybe if she’s over 80 years old. Things were different a while back.

So, most of the time, women wear the pants, like Hillary. Automakers ignore them at their peril. But overtly marketing cars to women, as we’ve seen, is absurd. It also risks a serious backlash, as we’ve also seen. Women don’t like to be marketed-to based on broad assumptions. Does anyone?

Hypocrisy alert: Here are five broad assumptions about women. Yes, TeslaMondo has the gall to use the words “broad” and “women” with only two words separating them. Thin ice, friends. Thin ice.

  1. They like virgins.
  2. They despise car-sales subterfuge.
  3. They’re green.
  4. They favor underdogs.
  5. They’re mechanically disinclined.

Tesla is well-positioned to win on all five fronts with NO MARKETING EFFORT. Or if there is any, it’s discreet. That’s the crux of this post. Discretion > aggression.

  1. As a new brand, Tesla is starting with a fresh, clean slate. By contrast, Big Auto looks like a posse of scumbags lately due to myriad scandals. Tesla has no such baggage. It’s a virgin.
  2. With a mall-based retail presence that favors discovery over selling, women can waltz right in as if they own the place, instead of sending in their bomb-sniffing husbands first.
  3. Tesla is Mr. Right, period.
  4. It’s locked in constant struggle. Witness the legal beefs about factory-direct selling. And witness the daily headlines about Big Auto antagonists coming to slaughter poor Tesla any minute now. Tesla is the underdog.
  5. No mechanical inclination? No problem. Teslas don’t have much mechanical action going on anyway. And no more looking askance at dirty car mechanics.

Yes, TeslaMondo thinks women and Tesla are going to get along swimmingly. And here’s a bonus for women Tesla drivers: Some asshole in a BMW is staring at you at a traffic light? He’s gone in 2.7 seconds if you’re wearing flats, or 2.5 if you’re wearing heels.

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