Tesla, the silent brand

Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau. Michelob Light for the winner. If you’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer: Miller beer. When you say Bud, you’ve said a lot of things nobody else can say. When you say Bud, you’ve said it all. Go for the gusto: Schlitz. I’ve got Pabst Blue Ribbon on my mind.

TeslaMondo has retained all of these 1970s beer slogans despite a total lack of interest in alcoholic beverages. We’re talking about bona fide brain implantations here. And one quick scan of the kitchen will stir up plenty more, accurate or not:

Bounty — The quicker picker-upper.
Elmer’s Glue — Nothing in particular, but Krazy Glue is that stuff that glued that construction worker’s hat to a steel girder or something. Or was that Gorilla Glue?
Wheat Thins — Sandy Duncan.
Rice Krispies — Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Raisin Bran — Two scoops of raisins.
Cheerios — You get a pow-pow-powerful good good feeling from Cheer-Cheer-Cheerios.
Peanut butter — If you believe in peanut butter, clap your hands to Peter Pan. Wait — peanut butter has non-believers?
Poland Spring — What it means to be from Maine. What does it mean, anyway?

You know, maybe it’s time to take a shower and wash all of this away. Start clean. But the bathroom is another minefield of pop-up ads. You’re not fully clean unless you’re Zestfully clean. Coast deodorant soap is the eye-opener.

And when it’s time to shampoo, there’s a brand that makes your scalp tingle more than the other brands. Denorex! Yes, that’s it. Okay now it’s time to shave. Is Gillette Foamy thick and rich enough to hold back a roller coaster? No. Somehow that means it’s the best for hair removal. And regarding the razor blades, if you have a Norelco system, there’s no need to worry about cutting yourself. No more “Gotcha!”

Time to brush your hair. A little dab will do ya. Dab of what? Can’t remember. Is that a flake of dandruff? Should have used Head & Shoulders, dammit. And breakfast cereal was the wrong idea this morning. Coulda, or shoulda, had a V8! Head slap!

Time to drive to work. Oh boy. Every car has a commercial built into it.

There’s a Ford Focus. Have you driven a Ford lately?
Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet.
Dodge trucks are Ram tough.
Yeah, but Silverados are like a rock, and the announcer’s voice is a little deeper. Maybe it’s more manly to have a Silverado.
A Toyota. You asked for it. You got it. Oh what a feeling. Yeah, but the new Dodge Omni does it all. Then again, nobody demands more from a Datsun than Datsun.

Wait a minute. There are no more Omnis or Datsuns around. Doesn’t matter. What a feeling indeed. We’re poisoned for life by exposure to marketing toxin. Thank you, Tesla, for not contributing. You are not only exhaust-free but also jingle-free and slogan-free.

Time to shut down the computer and move on with the day. Intel Inside, eh? Four ascending notes come to mind. Better check email before shutting down. You’ve Got Mail. Doesn’t matter whether it’s AOL or not. You’ve Got Mail just the same. O the madness . . .

4 thoughts on “Tesla, the silent brand

  1. M.H. Kane says:

    If the product is bad you need a slick ad. ~ Tesla Motors

    Like

  2. vfxx says:

    They tried one for a while. “Burn rubber not oil”

    Like

  3. BEP says:

    Zero emissions. Zero compromises.

    Like

  4. Nøderak says:

    Weirdest. Ever. Aha, withdrawal from owning TSLA!

    Like

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