If one fifth of the Gigafactory is already bewildering for some, five fifths might prove debilitating. We’ve heard much about the factory’s density, efficiency, velocity, but nothing about humanity. Did Tesla and its architects overlook the psychological impact of such a structure? Probably not. But it would be nice to actually hear so.
Granted, TeslaMondo hasn’t set foot in the Gigafactory, but after watching many videos from within, TeslaMondo now thinks every Gig applicant should watch TeslaMondo’s favorite film, THX1138, and submit a mandatory 500-word essay. The film is about people struggling to suppress their uncouth humanity in a sterile world where everyone is supposed to function as infallible component assemblers. They use pills, group therapy, you name it, just to keep themselves wrapped mentally. Finally, Robert Duvall’s title character starts to unravel . . .
Tesla is building a gigantic microchip — a macrochip — and needs a few thousand people to help its operation. Well, people jump at the notion of working for Tesla. One of the company’s job fairs was immediately shut down by police due to crowd control concerns. And doubtless some will indeed love working in an environment where it’s possible to punch out and go home believing you did everything right, without being wrong about that.
But TeslaMondo thinks humans have an inherent aversion to functioning as machines, and that the real key to success at a Gig-like workplace is suspending that aversion. Some people can suspend it for years, but others have untamable egos. They need to believe, even if it’s illusory, that they function as hubs instead of cogs. And other others feel just plain lost in a vast machine. That’s often where “disgruntled” begins. Paradoxically, tight supervision, high surveillance and low privacy — the opposites of being “lost,” — also lead to workplace aggression. Ask the postal service.
O great Gigafactory, please prove TeslaMondo a bunch of nail-biting nitwits. May ALL of the Gig’s workers endlessly enjoy standing under 50-foot Tesla logos, and betwixt endless iron shelving stacked several floors high, and beside tireless robotic coworkers. Literally robotic coworkers. One of them whistles while it works, repeatedly playing the Indiana Jones theme. Others are so darned cute, they should be named R2D3 and R2D4. There’s something to be said for pets at the workplace, even if they’re not furry.
And, hey, name one other factory with wild horsies all around. So the Gig has a backdrop of organic capriciousness to keep you warm inside while you’re sitting at one of the desks in the screen cap below. How’s your posture? It had better be pretty good, lest you draw attention to yourself as an alien organism. And don’t cough. The entire factory is Philip Glass concert, and it’s being recorded. You don’t want your cough to bust the pattern and live in infamy, do you?
Does the Gig have on-site counselors, just in case? Even an automated one, like in THX1138? TeslaMondo would be the first client, and the first thing the counselor would hear is: “When I’m at the factory, and I use the bathroom, sometimes I miss the toilet on purpose.”
The counselor’s canned response: “Could you be more specific?”