Fakery, the road to ICE efficiency

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“One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand. Wait, how many seconds means I’m a possum’s pecker?” Mitsubishi says it lied only about Jap-market cars. No USA connivery. Phew! Imagine if Mitsu had to reimburse all five owners here? UPDATE: Nissan might be moving to take over Mitsu and inherit this folly.

Diesel Weasel TeslaMondo

The diesel weasels in Germany say they’re almost done gasping and groping their way out of their toxic cloud. The solution will involve a software update and maybe some gift certificates to Whole Foods.

 

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Ford might use revvy sounds to make manual-shift drivers shift sooner. All the better to save gas. It’s not that crazy. We already have fake noises in the Mustang and plenty of other cars. The automobile is becoming a driving simulator.

imageThis kind of stuff makes TeslaMondo all the more proud of the prehistoric, unapologetic, inefficient deathbox that serves as daily driver ’round these parts.

It gets only about 28mpg despite weighing in at 2100 lbs and employing a Corolla engine. That’s pretty bad. It doesn’t run on solar energy or anything cool, but it fosters solar appreciation and general harmony between man and nature. Startled deer avoid injury by leaping right over you. Leaves fall into your lap. Acorns too. And caterpillars. Organic bliss! At sunset you can smell bark mulch, skunks, and whatever your neighbors are cooking — all mixed together. No joke!

Fake noises? Impossible, what with that signature Corolla, um, grunt just behind your skull. Sure, it often drowns in the rasp from nearby motorcycles and tractor-trailers — everything is pretty loud when there’s no capsule around your head — but at least you’re as one with gritty reality. Bonus: The skillset required for operating this machine is quite valuable. TeslaMondo’s other automotive skills, pinstriping and gold lettering, also have bright futures.

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