EPISODE IV: WINGED ASSASSINS

Salem's Lot TeslaMondoOk then, Tesla is here to stay. You can’t destroy this many metrics and remain a niche player for long. Best crash performance. Best rollover rating. Best air quality including a medical-grade bio-defense mode. Best windshield. Best ingress/egress. Best cool factor. Best acceleration. Best green cred.

Not the most fluid or thorough presentation, but true engineers aren’t polished politicians or actors. They’re real. And today’s presentation confirms that Tesla is, unfortunately for big auto and big oil, a very real problem. How will VW execs, for example, answer the engineering tour de force we saw tonight? With pretty drawings of fantasy cars, of course — assuming they’re allowed to doodle in prison.

Tidbits:

* No nose cone. Good riddance! Time for EVs to stop the masquerade and embrace their true grill-lessness. Hope the nose paint job can handle the inevitable sandblasting on freeways. Tesla should offer a clear bra as factory option.
* “Monopost” second-row seats offer nearly infinite adjustment, plus storage underneath.
* A ghost chauffeur opens and closes the driver’s door for you. He’s visible only in infrared light and resembles Alfred from Batman.
* The falcon doors handle tight flank space better than normal doors. Bonus: they shut themselves all the way, in non-ghetto fashion! So now we can all be jelly.

Implications:

* Tesla has released the most interesting vehicle in a very long time. Let the fun experimentation begin. Everyone is going to throw perfect-storm predicaments at the falcon wings to see how they respond. Will someone find a scenario Tesla hasn’t anticipated? Will an OTA update solve it? Will someone actually put a Model X on its roof to see if the doors can right the turtle, so to  speak? Then again, the sensors would have to be shut off first.
* This vehicle, more than the Model S, will solidify Tesla as a cultural icon. You’ll see the X in everything from rap videos to soap operas to Hollywood blockbusters to advertisements for totally irrelevant products. Some people still don’t know the Model S. They’ll know the X first.
* People will want a piece of this brand. The stock will rise. The Model III unveiling next spring will make this one look like a lukewarm opening act, because we’ll be talking about a car you might actually order.
* A young, coarse, playful, rogue engineer now commands the full attention of the entire automobile world, and is forcing change in an industry overpopulated by grumpy, silverbacked gorillas in suits. He’s revealing them as uninspired laggards in a generation uncomfortable with risk and unwilling to adapt to technology. They balk at it. And we know that balking allows the runner to advance to scoring position . . .

Tesla Model X bioweapon defense mode TeslaMondo

Bio-defense mode, with HVAC button.

Screen Shot 2015-09-30 at 12.01.43 AM

China, this slide is probably for you. Want to live a couple of bonus years? Drive a Tesla.

Episode II: We Build, We Fight
Episode I: The Impostor

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2 thoughts on “EPISODE IV: WINGED ASSASSINS

  1. Timmy says:

    All that and the F’n wing doors DO auto-shut! 😉

    One concern: taller people, say a few inches taller than Musk, might have to move quite carefully around the open falcon doors. Ouch!

    I’m also curious about the self-opening doors. What happens when you’re walking around the car “doing things” and do NOT want it to open every time you come close? If you can or have to disable that feature, it takes away some of its charm and convenience (you’d have to remember its “state”). Hmm.

    Like

  2. purrpullberra says:

    Of course the doors were going to shut without help. 🙂
    I like their prescience, to have such a powerful clean air filtration system to brag about the week after the VW fiasco erupted. The timing was incredible.
    I can’t wait to see the doors in action in low hanging areas of garages and such. I expected the key fob to be able to open any/every aperture but that wasn’t shown off. Maybe they didn’t enable that feature. But I love pretty much everything I saw.
    I’d like it if the car were able to be more svelte or less huge but it can’t be if it’s going to be a 7-person vehicle. I’ll have exactly what I want when Model3 is released.
    Now let’s see how the rest of the world responds.
    I assume Consumer Reports will be agog at the visibility afforded by the windshield/greenhouse. And LOVE the safety features. And the quickness. And the efficiency. And the free SC’ing on road trips.
    Only an oil man or a dealership stooge could dislike what Tesla put out. What a great car!

    Like

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